Let Go

Today started of rather gloomily,the skies seemed darker than usual and the weight of a smile felt unbearable-I walked hesitantly with a slight frown stuck on my face,no will to do anything or focus on any single thought,in my QM1 lecture words drifted around the room like butterflies that meant and signified nothing,and it looked to me like I had lost conciousness and tripped into a dreamy world where absolutely everything was obsolete.Enough crap,things started to pick up in the afternoon-beginning with the awesome fish wrap I had for lunch,then I started to laugh for no reason again-while I was walking alone towards the library,still laughing maniacally,oblivious if anyone was staring.The lectures that ran from 2-4 felt slightly painless,the first two hours filled with amusement as the lecturer piled on the laughs.

Where am I going with this.It was a terrific Wednesday.

Well,not really.I won't go into the specifics,but having to plan a certain charity event meant participating in a committee consisting of people who were long-time friends,and being the newcomer I felt isolated,strange and a bit misplaced-like a colourful wet lollipop on the ground of an adult bookstore-but this paranoia and feelings of displacement only becomes whole when I start putting them into words,otherwise they don't bother me much in real life.At that moment when discussions were held and everyone just continued as normal,I somehow managed to put aside my emotions to focus on the task at hand-that is,organising the bloody charity thing-of course I was aware what an outsider I was,these people were tied together by years of friendship and the long time invested in fortifying that bond,whereas I was just plain Al who miraculously appeared when meetings started and disappeared when they were over.And they have lunches,meals,movie outings,and so on-but,the point is,I didn't feel misplaced.I'm sure the bunch of words above sound like contradictory bullcrap and don't make the least of sense-but,I don't know,I was just surprised at myself for having survived such social events,which I normally take great pains to avoid,but when faced usually leaves me down in the gutters-with a newfound grace and strength.

This is a big thing for me.And oh,this is my blog and I can put whatever crap and shit I want so if you feel like objecting to whatever I say here-please,to me,your bitter opinions about how I shouldn't talk like that mean as much to me as Jewish politics.

I don't know where that came from.Well,actually I do but in this case it's best to feign ignorance than give voice to the angry demons desperately calling out-I'm trying this new thing,it's called letting go.I'm sure this surpressing does no good,but constantly giving way to one's anger without any control would be even more destructive.

So,let go people.Let go.