Its almost 7am and it feels abnormal,unhealthy even for someone my age to be up this early.I've been up many hours preparing for my 930am Investments exam,the dining table is a mess of scribbled-on papers,dried highlighters,pens.I've been kept up by the nervous anticipation for the exam,one too many redbulls,a really good David Sedaris short story that seems to go on for quite a bit,and the strange yearning for a cigarette.
I've been clean for one year,possibly longer.Even if my last one was a mere two days ago,I can safely call myself a social smoker-someone who upon fetching a single cigarette must finish it,but won't have to call upon another after.I know what it feels like to be an actual smoker,the crazy satisfaction you get from your first one in the morning,or after a long flight,or after something particularly strenuous or stressful,or really just about before,during and after anything at all.It seems a waste to have a wonderful view over my balcony and not be able to enjoy it with a cigarette.I'd rather pull one out than leaf over notes before a lecture,as to not appear to hardcore a geek.I just want to substitute that awful bloated feeling after a meal,for the bitter but somewhat pleasant taste of nicotine on my tongue.You could come up with any reason in the world,but after a while the finger moves on its own accord and to have some form of justification for it seems purely unnecessary.
A lot of money is made out of the business,but I'm sure the people who appeal to ambitious quitters make quite a shitload too.When I first quit,I felt the need to do something to replace it.A meal,something to munch on.If I was sick,I'd be thankful for the need to get a tissue every few minutes to blow my nose.If there was a stain or the carpet,I'd change into something dirty and spend the next two hours making sure the house was spotless.But eventually,I cooled down.And there are mornings like this,when I miss it.I have nothing to look forward too (Mondays are NEVER a good thing to me) and this exam just makes it worse.
I get fidgety and have to do something continous,I can't sleep.I chat online to J about the true need for tabloids and what kind of society we'd be without shows like A Current Affair.I watch children shows on TV and revel in their many colors.I write this pointless thing that comes out like word vomit,and wish there were a writing assignment so I could direct the energy to something even more useless.I take pictures of the skyline from 200 different angles,and they all look the same.
I am now bored,but relieved.The Today show woman has a disturbingly crooked forehead,in the past four hours everytime I feel that need I've written a short story at least a page long.And I've drunk near a dozen cups of tea.Night is done,dawn's arrived and I can now attempt to resume some kind of normalcy.There are chores that need finishing and thoughts that need to be thought.A full diary is the best defense to just about anything,hah.
Time for some stevie nicks.