Now listen, this is something I’ve never shared with anyone, not even my friend Jenna whom I’ve seen naked more than once, thrice, I don’t remember, sometimes when I say her name out loud the image of her that appears in my head is already unclothed, and no part of my mind jumps to protest this, anyway, this is just something I’ve been wondering about, I know with two good looks at me you can tell I ain’t too much of a thinker, I like to say I’m more adventurous than that, heck this one boy I dated once even said some real nice things about me, that I had a really cozy personality and none of those college girls who spend nights reading stuff could compare to what I had, what I was trying to tell you anyway, was that I’ve never been with a boy, shut up, don’t laugh you fool, I ain’t finished yet, I ain’t never been with a boy pure sober.
I know right, it seems fucked up, what with the amount of years I’ve been alive, and the crazy mileage I’ve got on this babymaker of mine, tops of the tops for sure, I’m not surprised it hasn’t just died and dropped off my damn pelvis, that wouldn’t surprise me, the doctors and all of em’ medicals would do shows on this new phenomena that I’d had become, but speak to any of my neighbors and they’d tell you I was a maneater, or well, one of those names they always use for me. Thing is, I can’t remember the last time I had sex where I wasn’t blacking out every few seconds, heck last week it was old Gus, he knew I’d be alone on a Thursday night, how it always reminds me of Daddy’s birthday, and all the emotions this time of week presents onto me, well he arrived at my door, all kinds of loose, and we sure did some talking first, about what I don’t remember, but he knew I was feeling weak, and just all out of words or self, that I had no capacity for anything but one real good fuck, and in that respect, sister, he did good.
But like all the men before, I recall bits of it now that I try to recall, it just hit me silly, see, that I remember how his mouth tasted nasty, real nasty, you would think booze and cigarettes would do an awful thing to a man’s mouth, but this was all different, I could feel his tongue and the insides of his mouth, and it felt like an extension of some inside part of his body, you know, intestinal, biological, yes it tasted like poison, and it was the rapture of his body, and all his might, I think I was a little drunk too probably, you don’t see me without a beer or something nowadays, I guess its become the norm, tastes like water, makes me feel good, you know, and you get that tough feeling of skin, and the flesh protruding from his arms, and his oh my god, of course, his you know what, all of this feels so physical, it makes me a little wet just thinking about it now, but it all happened in blips. What I mean is that, I must’ve passed out a couple times, or I just wasn’t aware much, I don’t know, it felt good, but it felt lost, and by the end I didn’t know if I was awake, asleep, tired, filthy, I was all those things but none, I was gone.
Which is why this boy, man this boy, I don’t even know where he came from, sure he sounds nice, you should hear him talk about music, this song came on the radio and I didn’t know or wasn’t too sure what to say, he made me feel a bit small you know, so I said “I love this song” although I had never heard it in my whole lousy life, then he told me about how the singer came about with the song, and it lead to all kinds of beautiful things, I don’t take him for a sweet talker, because I didn’t feel swayed, I just, I don’t know, I woke up in a sense, I wanted to hear, I wanted to know what he was going to say next. And when he dropped me off, he turned off the engine and I was just about to thank him and all, but there was this strange, real strange quietness, you know how I am about cars, I feel boxed in them, but he just sat there, shoulders open and eyes ahead, and I saw this vision of someone, I don’t know, different, I know I sound just about dumb right now, but then he swooped in, it took time I remember, the waiting wasn’t nice, but then he reached to my side and kissed me, and I’m telling you, I’ve never, just oh my god, this boy kissed me real gentle and nice, his lips were moist and lovely, and he smelled like morning, that fresh, breezy nothing you get in an open field, and I’m telling you this because I don’t remember ever being kissed like this, ever being with someone so earnest about this whole thing, he was naïve in a way but not blind, and it straight up freaked me out when that happened, I don’t know, I’ve never met a man this way, I don’t think men were made to be like that, so I bolted out of the car and ran inside and here I am now telling you all of this.
Is it bizarre that I felt like someone else at that moment, that for a while nothing I had ever done, or all of this mess of a life I have made for myself, well, it wasn’t there, and that this was different, I was different, like he felt like someone who wasn’t from around here, and he was going to take me to this other place, and that tomorrow for once in a long time, like, ever, felt like something to be happy about. I don’t know, I think I’m crazy of course, like I’m simultaneously dying and coming alive, wishing and hoping, that maybe all the boys I’ve been with, well they were just born that way, a bit dim at the top, real good-looking everywhere else, but near forever sunk in beer, or that it just felt and tasted and smelled that way to me, that I had been tainted, and all of this dirt inside me just rose up and spilled out onto my every experience.
Well, there you go, the story of the first kiss of a kind of kiss I never really had, or knew how to tell you, and its normal I guess to react, like when I told this to Jenna she laughed it off, said the yellow finally wrecked me up, that I wasn’t making real sense no more, and I still get that craving you know, and I still hate Thursday nights, I’m all of the same person but I’ve seen something new, and I can’t push it away, boy you must think I’m crazy, I can see that look on your face, it does suffice, and sure I’ll laugh with you, but this boy in the car with the kiss and the eyes and his music, well he’s coming after my shift today to pick me up, and if you see me gone tomorrow, you’ll know I’d moved on, to something better, to someplace better, some other or another, well friend, if that happens, know that I’ll be gone that way, I’ll be wishing and hoping my whole life ahead, I'll never look back to this place,and hey, that doesn’t sound too bad to me, does it?
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