Touch of grey

I lost my hearing last May, at first the doctor didn’t think it was that serious, there was some build-up of tissue right at the base of my throat, and this was linked to my hearing so I had a minor procedure to clear that up, but weeks later I felt my hearing wane, like it wasn’t as sensitive as it was before. The loudness of things were muted slightly, so I went in again and that’s when the doctor told me I was going to lose function of my ears.

It wasn’t like I couldn’t hear anything, I’d say I captured about a tenth of what my ears could hear before, sometimes it was just this mild buzz swimming about, and things for a while felt crystallized, there was suddenly this quietness that I alone possessed, things seemed slower without the noise.

People always ask me if I miss listening to music, and to be honest that’s not something very essential to me, having had perfect hearing once I do have a sharp memory of how things sound, the clank of a metal pot or ring of a bell are just casualties to what they signify. The thing I cling onto most preciously, is the sound of my daughter’s voice, I remember her laugh and miss hearing her happy, but I have a group that helps me get through this.

I’ve learned to read auras, just being around people and without having to speak I can sense the colors and spark, and I’m thankful that my husband and daughter both have a warmth that is very cosy, lovely to be with. People are always raising their voice and shouting at my face, even when I tell them I’m apt at reading lips, sometimes the sympathy is overbearing, distracting when I’m trying to establish a connection.

That’s what I miss the most I guess, in a group of conversing adults, the dialogue is very hard to latch on, I cannot keep up with the speed and don’t want them to be engrossed in keeping the deaf girl in the loop, so a lot of times I just sit back and observe, and this can be a really lonely place, we’re built to be verbal creatures, and without being able to hear, I’m more often than not, at a distance from everyone.

I have definitely become a more spiritual person, I had to learn to communicate with my family in small, intimate ways and it’s a lot to put my 14-year old daughter through, I have to rely on her so much, and for a long time I was emotionally dependant on her, but we’ve normalized since and she comes back from school to tell me about some clumsy teacher or a boy who’s chased for her number, and I just look at her beautiful face, and I see her smile and laugh, and I know that’s something I’ve been blessed with, and noone can take away from me.

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