I'm suddenly wondering why i take such precious time and effort to write all the crap i write here,at the same time realising that most ranting and rambling done is more of an attempt to express the otherwise repressed thoughts and emotions into clear words-it doesn't matter to me if anyone even reads all the shit i put up here,because,as insane as it sounds,this place is a conversation between the many conflicting persona's that possess my body,a place where understanding and clarity is seeked and answers to the most random,at times,unanswerable questions are sought.
Moving on.Usually once class ends at 5.15pm i would walk fastly in hope of getting some rest before dinner,thus what would normally be a medium-paced 15 minute walk would turn into a crazy 5 minute powerwalk where my sole purpose is to get home a.s.a.p,careless if i have to jaywalk,use the vacant bicycle lanes,and give quick,soundless 'hi's' to some friends who pass by.But today,the birkenstock holding my feet was being a devil bitch,my feet felt like they were going to tear apart and bleed till they come off-so i walked at the slowest pace possible,for the first time enjoying the many magnificent sights on the way home.Nature's bright green canopies and their looming shadows that shiver ever so slightly as the light wind of early summer blows.The sight of the tall,glass-covered buildings that glint against the evening sun.An empty school football field that brings about so much unwanted nostalgia and sad memories,couple's holding hands and crossing the street both akwardly trying to match the other's pace.From the outside of a restaurant,i see an elderly woman seating at one of the tables,she stares blankly into the air and momentarily puts up her hand to reach for something i cannot see.A stylish twenty-something female frowns behind her huge sunnies,folding her hands as i approach to cross her path,a group of fratboys enjoying tall glasses of beer presumably to celebrate the long day that was.
By the time i reach the entrance to my home,the entire Regina Spektor album has finished playing and my eyes are soft and strainless,my heartbeat relaxed and slow.And suddenly the rush begins again,as hard as i try to resist-i can't block out the loud sound of passing cars and chaotic chatter around me,and slowly the tireness returns to my legs and brain-my short moment of deep relaxation confiscated by the dictating hands of a harsh reality.Then i finally reach my room,close the door as i remove the evil birkenstock's from my poor feet and lay my head on a pillow,suddenly amazed,fascinated by the beauty of a 15-minute walk,at the same time frustrated,hurt at knowing that this very beauty is merely lifeless,having no influence whatsoever on my wretched life that sadly revolves around reluctant socialising,stabbing insecurities,managing the burdens of envy and greed,and trying to find meaning from what has almost definitely resembled perfect emptiness.
OK I'M STARTING TO NOT MAKE SENSE AGAIN.Better cut all that sentimality bullshit or else i'll end up being depressed the whole night.Been eating chocolate non-stop since 8pm,but halfway through i had the brilliant idea of breaking them into smaller pieces so i don't consume as much-years on and mars bars still tastes like wild,uninhibited sex with an innocent asian slut who moans like her life depends on it.I'm kidding.The chocolate is nice.Will stop at that.Drama preparation going fairly well,got some very flattering compliments on my scriptwriting skills and Rosemary kept asking why i'm not taking an arts degree-at first i answered saying my dad wouldn't allow me to,but then she kept asking,so i gave a pretty gruelling,demonic picture of my father and his violent,physical capabilities that would be my fate to face if i didn't take commerce.Then Rosemary and i shared a brief moment of sadness,both our eyes frowning and trying to communicate the sadness that need'nt be said.But truthfully an arts degree would go against my OWN principles of rationality-art degrees don't take people far,and last month Farrago (the uni mag) tried defying this by doing a mythbuster article entitled 'Art Degrees:For You To Work Behind Macdonald Counters?' and plus all my family members are realists,none of them seem to have appreciation for the concept of dreams,ambitions and i've had enough lectures to know that my parents percieve dreams as mere diversions from reaching a true practicality that would sustain one's own survival as an adult and human.
This is coming to be an incredibly long post-and if i were to edit the pointless digressions in between it would still be considerably long,but at least my brain's moving in the process of thinking,and i get to share this crappy thoughts of mine with whoever's unlucky enough to have stumbled upon this trashbag of a blog.But i'm not finished yet-if this were sex,at this point orgasm is still a faraway fantasy for both people.
Why is it so difficult for us to open up?By us,i mean me,but 'us' sounds less miserable,gives me the illusion that the whole world suffers the same problems i do hence reducing my displeasure.Anyways,opening up,to me at least (assuming the world is full of confident,fearless people who smile brightly at the thought of forming true friendships and deeper human connections)-chatting with my wonderful friend Schien,she smartly answers my query above by saying 'its all in your head,its up to you to change your life' and yes,she does make perfect sense but when you're in a state of mind like mine (which is,as described by an adult i confide in-'i see the world through dark glasses') everything seems to be uncontrolable,as if the entire world is falling apart piece by piece and nothing seems to work anymore,and every attempt at brightening up my days or trying to attain actual happiness proves futile.
The true friends usually there to console and listen to my deepest insecurities are not here for me to lean on,and sometimes it feels so lonely and empty-trying to find new friendships that have actual meaning and depth fail miserably,and dare i say some friends i have are merely lying hypocrites who secretly wish for me to fall at my own helplessness so can go back home and laugh cruelly (Bastards,you KNOW who you are),thankfully those people are now either physically or mentally distant from me.I want to open up.I want to cry and shout to the world that i'm scared,alone and trapped.Oh fuck the concept of masculinity-crying doesn't mean i'm a pussy,it means i have a heart unlike most wired robots don'twhy the fuck i'm suddenly defending myself i don't know,maybe its a male pride thing.Again the contradictions.Anyways,from being a feel-good post about enjoying nature its become another emo post chuck-full of negativity.What i need is a temporary escape,a getaway to forget-this getaway may not be a physical adventure,it may be an event or small incident that helps me change,even if its for a short while.
For now i'll keep eating chocolate and peanut butter sandwhiches in vile hope of finding salvation in them-i'm sorry if i've spread the negativity and sadness to anyone who has read this,but its not my intention to make the world a gloomier place so forgive me for being the way i am-i hope all of you,even the ones who don't come across this,enjoy and appreciate everything you have before its take away,and hope that these dark glasses that obstruct my view will one day break and disappear into the invincible night.