20.11.06

New Old


I have this disease,where i'm cursed with this habit of ruining something perfect everytime i come close to it.

College was a chance for a clean,fresh slate-people i barely knew,people i did know were left far behind-all the designs of the perfect opportunity to clean up all the messes i've made and begin things again with a new attitude,but no,i had to screw it up.

And the chances will keep coming,and no doubt they'll be screwed to fuck too.I can't live like this anymore,i can't keep walking everywhere only to gather more miseries to add to my already fucked up life,and i can't keep letting things spiral out of control.

I want to say sorry to those whom i've hurt over the past years,tell them i didn't intend to and it was all a huge minsunderstanding-and i want to meet all the people who've misread me and explain to them that i'm really just a nice guy a little too fucked up there to function like a normal person-and above all,i'm just sorry.But i know the past is a bit too late for repairing,and God knows this too so he gives me new chances all the time-like the beginning of college,i could've introduced myself to the world smiling,gleaming from positivity and been a totally different person by completely letting go of my past and not letting anything that has happened define or affect who i am.But the problem is,i can't let go-its not as easy at it sounds and i appreciate the friends who understand this and help me get through the rough patches.

And i want to say sorry,but i know its too late.

To the Indian girl on my floor who may think i'm just a rude,mean,cruel-hearted bastard just cos' everytime we meet i say nothing and simply respond with a harsh glare-i'm sorry.

To the new friends i've made who may see me as being a bad person-you peeps are terrific but it takes time to actually know me,and in time you'll understand that i cover my sorrows by being difficult and hopefully you'll get to know the real me soon-i'm sorry.

To the hi-bye peeps from class and everywhere else,i have a strong distrust of strangers and rarely open up to people so at times it may seem i'm being detached and mean,when really its just my nature to not get too close-i'm sorry.

And to everyone i'm about to hurt unintentionally-i'm sorry.

I'm perfectly aware by doing this helps with nothing,but again i say-this blog functions more as a conversation with myself,by questioning my ownself and probing into my deeper thoughts,those which bear undiscovered,painful truths,help me help myself and this awareness of things assist me in becoming a better person,or at least they help explain why things happen the way they do.

4 comments:

MaE : ) said...

hey!
don't be so hard on yourself okie.
think of college as a transition state.
so u didn't start on a clean slate!
eg. hoi's tabula rasa wakakakkaa!
do it in uni! uni lagi super clean slate. where ur peers won't be annoying stuck up teenagers, but diff ppl from diff walks of life! cool or wat! my sis tute mate is like 50 yrs old and owns a dimsum stall in south melbie market!

i hope we still remain friends for a longggggggggggg long time ok! will give u discount card for ur kitties if i get into vet :)

best of luck for exams!
woo hoo!

insaneal said...

hehe a discount card sounds tempting-but not as tempting as having a parent as ur classmate!

thanks for the words,luck too!

siti suHAila said...

You are forgiven!

insaneal said...

i wasn't talking to u si siti.

fuck a tranny.

mwahaha.