Final Farewell

Okay,time to finally deal with the bittersweet experience that was 2006 and yes,i know i'm more than a week-late for this (things like these are usually done either before the New Year,or slightly after) but truth is i've been trying,desperately,to sweep things under the carpet and ignore all the happenings from last year-those bothersome memories that keep me thinking into the wee hours of morning-but i've made it a point to become a better person this year,a happier person,and i'm doing this by force.Wether i want it or not,this new dictatorial voice i've created,one governed by righteousness and courage,will shout orders in my head and make me do the right thing-and for now that voice is telling me to be brave and try my best to face truths from now on,and not simply repress them or bask in denial.This time last year,i was taking every preventive measure possible to try erase the past,burying myself in work and diverting myself with other problems,but as a quote i recently read somewhere says-''To try and erase one's past or ignore it,would be to sacrifice the hard-earned lessons one has gathered''.

So,here goes.Rewind,play.

1.Got out of that sucky boarding school-honestly amazed i had survived 5 years.I should get a freaking medal.What i didn't expect,was that all those thoughts previously suppressed into the subconscious,would come back creeping up to mess with my brain.

2.Entered college,felt very inferior and fearful towards social contact-new people make me nervous,and so i did the cowardice thing to put up a snobbish,quiet front as to shoo people away-regretted it deeply,tried undoing the damage and weeks after,managed to find some great friends and got out more,but not effectively breaking out of my comfort zone.

3.Finally received my SPM results,let out a huge sigh of relief.Reminded myself i wasn't a total idiot.College tasks and activities were mostly enjoyable,only a handful register as being the type of memories i would choose to not have.

4.Had a huge,but very discreet breakdown,close friends were mostly unaware and i put up higher fences and more unwelcoming frowns,i realised this had become an automatic response-my way of dealing with things were to shut off and give the world my middle finger,which wasn't good at all-seeked help and opened up to a few,when it came for time to finally talk about the problems,words refused to come out and things worsened.By mid-September,i had returned to the smokey realms of denial,and 'faking it' became much easier with the help of the various distractions thrown my way-but more emotional isolation.the more i withdrew into myself,the happier the person outside seemed-then the unthinkable happened.There were suddenly two people living inside me-one who controlled everything,and one who tried to but couldn't-it was as if my body and mind had suddenly separated,and everything became fucked up.

5.Things cooled down,common sense started kicking in and some of the problems i had faded away after repeatedly being branded 'irrelevant' or 'non-existent'.Everytime a negative thought came to my mind,a voice would try and give answers to me and explain why things were essentially simple and solvable,and it was only a matter of choice that held the nature of consequence.The power to choose,that was what i had forgotten temporarily,and i began to grasp this to gain more control of things.

6.Got into Unimel-my faith in miracles restored-a second chance at Melbourne life.the last time i left Melbourne,things were pretty screwed up and some parts of my life had been ignored,but experience tells me second chance usually doesn't work out that well and sometimes it takes years to truly find what you're looking for.

Well,obviously a whole lot more happened but i'm trying to generalize here,taking the few important,significant things that happened last year,the ones that actually mean something as opposed to random,lightbulb events.There was a lot of laughter,but sadness too,but 2007 is here and i will try my best to become a better person,by doing the two things i think are most basic for personal growth:believing in myself,and being brave enough to confront reality.2006 wasn't a terrific year,and perhaps 2007 won't be either but i'm willing to accept the fact that bad things will continue occuring and they need to,for me to figure out my past and future-and life is way too complex for me to simplify it into bite-sized portions-one day this will all make perfect sense once i've seen the bigger picture,i'm sure.Moreover,i'd rather go through the motions and experience total chaos then remain in standstill,so the road to improvement will definitely be a rocky one-but i'll remember to keep my common sense and inner voice intact,while i start another part of my life.

Hello,2007.