Suicidal is a heavy word for what I sometimes feel,I've never felt the urge to take my own life-its more of an everyman plague,routine ups and downs that alternate to an order I rarely dictate-in these moments the value of my life dwindles to a dot and I'm suddenly prone to take enormous risks,instantly denominating most people and things to a casual nothing.
I begin to contemplate,and sometimes act on,major changes be it relationships,career and often they involve some key figures in my life,who then become casualties to my impulsiveness,I make decisions in a hazy state of mind and wake to consequences with a feigned indifference,a coping method that I resort to when shit gets too real and I haven't the guts to deal with it.
During these times,I let my minds wander to possibilities far-fetched.Should I move to a different country? A city with more cafes full of writers constantly jotting down things and etching stories for their own amusement,a place full of museums and galleries unlike where I'm in,where the daily traffic,back-and-forth alone consumes a huge chunk of my day,and art and culture are still widely regarded as frivolous,secondary things that qualify as pastimes rather than legitimate ways to derive a livelihood from.
But a certain part of me was built for the city,I sometimes revel in its mundanity but snapped out of these brief ponderous times,it is what it is: a city ugly with tall,dilapidating eyesores,a society with little room for individuality or voice,but it has its redeeming qualities-I'm not looking to argue on this,so I may save this topic for a later post.
Youth comes and then it will go,that much I know-but I feel withered by age and uncertainty,and at times it is only misery that manages to propel me to step outwards,experiment-because I feel I haven't much to lose,coupled with the feeling that there is nothing else I want to really gain. It is sometimes tainted with a faint feeling of optimism,or some drive to change things for the better,though to obtain some sort of clarity in all of it is difficult.