There are times when i get so down no amount of chocolate,medicine or counselling can get me up again and the only solution is to let time heal the wound.I think about things,and people and look at my life so far and wonder if this is really it-if what i see before my eyes is really all there is to my life.Because if it is,its not enough.Some friends i have call themselves so but really are nothing but hypocrites who take me for granted.Ayesha.July.Ali.

If there is a person inside me for the world or myself to discover these three people have come closest.Or else there simply lies an empty void of nothingness.I don't even know who i am anymore.I sit down and stare at the motionless of it all,wondering random thoughts that seem to increase in number,further perplexing my already complicated life-does unconditional love exist,wait,does love exist?Why am i here-what am i doing here,am i happy,who are these people smiling around me,whose voice is it that tells me dark stories when i go to sleep?Yes,a lot of this doesn't make sense i admit,but then again my entire life,once inspected closely,slowly turns into a magnificent blur i can't seem to understand.

Why did God create me-and why have so many scars been inflicted onto me-is it wrong that i am asking such questions,should i really just accept my fate and surrender to the blindness of prayer?I'm drifting off even further as days pass,with more questions popping up constantly-leaving me dazed,confused and lost in my own inexplicable web of worrying and regret.

This doesn't make sense i know.

God if there is a way show me one my heart can follow and understand-give me a sign,an answer perhaps-help me find the truth to everything my heart seeks to understand.

I know i'm not supposed to write out prayers here,but that's how i feel right now.

Lost,just completely and utterly lost.


Anonymous said...

sometimes when i pray i feel like my prayer itself is hypocritical. which just screws up what i understand about myself even more.but i still like to think that God listened to my prayer, and He's working on it.

i hope you find what you're looking for in yourself.

insaneal said...

thanks anon.

clarity is something we all seek,but don't even understand.

o_0 i just love not making sense.

Anonymous said...

you're a fcuking nut head

insaneal said...

nuthead doesn't sound insulting enough.don't be so cranky anon.

Anonymous said...

firstly, what crossed my mind when i read your entry is this- this sounds just like when i have pms.
well, you gotta make yourself cheer up ya know.. cant surrender to the hormones that overflowed ( obivously something wrong with your diet that causes the particular bile to be produced excessively)just because we are ignorant.
it helps to relate to scientific facts sometimes. that way, we wouldnt feel so lost in a world with beliefs.


muhammad ibnu hamid said...

wow al.
deep thinker eh