Turning 81

Feeling slightly groggy now so its best that i stay away from the keyboard-but,the same way people can be absolute hypocrites on msn by using phony smiley faces and moving emoticons that no way reflect their true feelings,i am confident i'm perfectly capable of writing this one post without exposing to the world the trainwreck of emotions truly going on inside.

My unreliable laptop has finally given in to some crazy virus that makes the entire system shut down every five mins or so-and when it does,a blue screen appears to tell me a list of unhelpful instructions full of number codes and all that shit.Turning 18 was memorable in both a good and painful way,but,keeping to my promise,i shall elaborate more on the sunny side and leave very little space for shadows to dwell.Remy,Jan & Sue-Mae-that tiny thing you guys did yesterday meant the world to me,and i'm honestly thankful for every part of it-my facial expressions are permanently cursed when it comes to showing gratitude,so despite looking slightly stoned and zombie-like yesterday,trust me inside i felt like hugging you guys to death and flowering you people with french roses.The cake,the songs,the yellow balloon-these tiny little gestures you guys do for me remind me that i still have true friends in this otherwise cruel and heartless world-Jules and Ali,believe me when i say i will never ever forget last year's small celebration-and espite not having you guys here this year i know you're closer than that-you guys are the best friends i could ever find and i'm happy that i have friends who i can talk to without feeling any insecurity or discomfort,and when life pulls me down and ceases to be meaningful or worth the trouble,you guys remind me i have people who make life worth all that.

Aww,Al goes all soft inside and says sweet things.Suck it up people,cos' i don't usually do this-i'm more comfortable being the impersonal,cynical and hypocritical bastard-all that anger serves as a protecting shield from the world's sorrow,without it i'd be sucked in the black hole of sorrow in which people usually never escape from once they're inside.Oh.Interesting thing-met a 31 year old guy from Portugal today named Paulo (or was it Paul?He said his name when Bart was making some stupid joke which i was half-listening to,so it might not have been Paul or Paulo at all),half an hour with him gave me all kinds of interesting stories-about his previous years studying in London,how the many death metal clubs there make do for the depressing weather,and how he finds that people here walk and breath much slower compared to those prozac-dependant megalomaniacs he used to live with in London.But it was hard to keep the conversation interesting and there were quite few long pauses mainly cos' our interests differed so greatly-i have no idea wether its age,race or some other factor that caused this sharp contrast of interest-he liked death metal,talked about adult relationship problems with his ex-girlfriend and gave insightful comments about politics (to which,when he wasn't watching i quickly peeked to watch a bit of Simpsons) while my main concern at that time were the songs in my Ipod,the balance in my savings account and other types of trivial matters that were too embaressing to mention.So that's my long,windy description of today's dull encounter with a 31-year old Portugese manboy.

Math was like getting hit by an 18-wheeler truck,and like most people who've just experienced such life-altering accidents i prefer to have imaginary amnesia to try cope with it.

Psst,new Spiderman 3 posters,the new Harry Potter OODP trailer (omfg Helena Bonham Carter appears precisely at 00.39.Heart stops),Nelly Furtado at the AMA's and an old Fiona Apple song.

Australian TV is suffering from the year's biggest low-with all the big shows having come to a season finale sometime ago (Grey's Anatomy,Veronica Mars,Desp Housewives) old shows crop up to fill the void-Mcleod's Daughters,Neighbours,Jericho,Jamie Oliver specials.Has anyone even watched Jericho?-about 10 minutes after the opening titles i have some vague understanding of the storyline (urm.Apocylpse coming soon.)-one minute its all Mel Gibson and massively dramatic when characters discuss about saving people by the millions and so on,then it quickly shifts to a random couple who are fighting about their children's choice of cereal or a group of men who find time to shoot turkeys for the upcoming Thanksgiving despite knowing the end of the world is barely few days away.You'd think a tv series about the apoclypse would gain more attention-but now i know why Jericho is one of the worst tv shows to ever exist,i can't wait to download (good tv series never arrive in M'sia,and arrive inexcusably really late in Aus) episodes of the new FX (the studio that brought us Nip/Tuck) series Dirt (preview pics here)which premiers in the US early January,revolving around the life of tabloid editor Lucy Spiller (played by Courtney Cox/Monica)-you can find previews on Youtube.

The same way some bands manage to come off as distinct,different and unique-say,Coldplay with their melancholy sound made obvious with Chris Martin's vocals,Death Cab for Cutie with their one-of-a-kind emopoprock sound,Jack Johnson and the way all his songs are wonderful even when he's singing about monkeys or so on,The Radio Dept falls into the Electronic Rock category and stand out with their clever use of small techno beats and guitar melodies-'I don't like it like this','Pulling our weight' and 'Where Damage isn't already done' are examples of the Radio Dept sound,their music unravels you in such a way no other music can-i don't even know what their songs are about,but the sound of it just strikes a note.

With the exams going on and only two weeks left till i go home,i won't have much time to think about the many miserable thoughts that would usually bother my mind in times of no distraction or task at hand.But as my concious mind drift of to deal with more important matters,my subconcious slips into the darker areas and brings again those sorrowful thoughts into my dreams-so i have really horrible dreams,those which i can barely recall when i wake up but they leave the omnescient,lingering sense of dread and coldness-so sometimes i wake up feeling really down but without knowing why.So 23rd of November finally comes to an end,and i'm finally 18-i wish i had a machine like the one in 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' to remove the troubling memories of the past that still bug me today,but i guess without confronting these thoughts and finding ways to live with them i'll never learn how to become immune to such pain so i guess right now those precious moments i spent with colse friends (either with them,or on the phone) function as the medicinal cures that make me temporarily forget about the past years-but its been 18 years and i've got years of growing and learning to do still and the adventure of sorts will take me to certain places and bring me to certain people who will cast changes in my life and sooner or later these tiny bits of careful salvation will soon manage to completely remove the hurt.I believe.


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