Parade

I'm going through this phase,state of mind of whatever you call it-I don't think it requires an official term anyways-there's been a huge reduction in blog posts,and unless the occasional weird euphoria that comes with naive optimism takes over me,I usually avoid talking about personal stuff or even sharing the smallest things through this blog-the reason is that I don't want to be one of those people-sure calling them 'those people' sounds condescending,but I don't think of them that way even when I do reference them in a way that distinctly creates an area of 'us & them'-who seem to be posting everything,every single detail about their lives,online-perhaps it's a normal teenage thing to do,to want and share your life with friends or whoever,and yeah it sounds fairly harmless and petty-but I feel that I reached a point where my life felt like it was stolen,like it was shared,it didn't feel personal or as if it truly belonged to me-sometimes I would contemplate before doing something,think to myself if the thing I was about to do was really something interesting according to what everyone else thought,and if I were to relate or share it with someone else-would it inspire interest,or would they respond with bored faces?

It wasn't a matter of whether I was turning into one of those teens-whose very purpose to life was to display to the rest of the world,through every possible medium (most popular being blogs,or Facebook accounts,or MySpace,or whatever fad emerges next) how exciting and enviable their lives were-because I'm just not that kind of person,and I can confidently say without having to worry about feeling embarrassed that I was never born to be a cool person,or hey,maybe I am cool in my own respect,thus the sentence above makes little sense especially when you put light to the term 'cool' and question if society,or the people you hang out with,have a very narrow list of characteristics,or preexisting and unchanging idea about being cool or acceptable,and if it really means anything at all.

So nowadays I do things because I really want to-not to prove anything to anyone,and I know these things can be hard because we were brought up in schools and in a society that values people who commitedly follow rules and guidelines-do this and you're something,do something else and you're something,be this,be that,do this and you'll be happy,you'll have a lot of friends,friends who are really friends and you know this because they do some things true friends are naturally supposed to do-thus it's all been set in black and white,it's relatively simple to conform to all these silly thoughts and ideas-for example,you'd think that a girl going through a break-up is something sad-why?-because it's always been that way,it's been depicted so in books,movies,etc and you've seen girls who break-up do what they do-so,if you're a girl and you suddenly go through a break-up,you might immediately feel sad-woah wait,I have to stop here and say I have no misogynistic motivations behind any of this,let's be safe and avoid misapprehensions,moving on-you see what I mean,it's not only the general rules which have dictated,but specifics-down to responses and the like,say if you receive a scholarship you're supposed to feel proud and happy-why shouldn't you?-but maybe,just maybe,under careful inspection and once the nice,pretty castles have been neatly dissected and reviewed-it all amounts to nothing much.

And no,I'm not going through another bout of depression,nor do I feel sad at all-as I said,this is something I've been thinking about,not over lonely nights or therapy sessions,but just time in general,day night-easily said,emotion doesn't necessarily come into the mix this round.So now I do things that I personally enjoy,even if it means something that might be considered weird or something that might earn myself a brand of unsavoury societal archetype-weirdo,loner,stuck-up bitch,pretentious twat-whatever it may be,I remind myself people are always going to be critical of me,even with my best intentions and the purest of heart,people tend to see the worst in you and always find an excuse to somehow hate you-so who gives a fuck,I'd rather be myself,cos' I see very little benefit in trying to be this small person just to be accepted into a social circle consisting of small-minded conformists who have delusions of being very important people-they don't matter if you say they don't matter,so hey,stop fighting,accept people as they are but don't try to form for yourself a rosy reality where everyone's nice and forgiving,because you know in your heart it's not a pretty picture and honestly quite gruesome,but come to terms with that,and be happy with what you got (I don't mean this in a material sense-because I know I'm quite materialistic,so going around preaching a life of minimalism would be downright hypocritical) and learn to walk on.

But being happy isn't a prerequisite to happiness itself.Am I getting too abstract here?Is anyone still reading?Oh,this has turned into a one-person conversation,and I'm the one deluded-but I'm not doing this for you or anyone,but for myself,because I like writing stuff out-it helps me put my thoughts in order,helps me think deeper,helps me discover and learn part of myself that otherwise wouldn't be achieved with idle daydreaming alone.Getting back-I don't beat myself up when I'm sad-like anybody else,I do have my down days,days when I want to bury myself a grave and live in there until the rest of the world dies or forgets I exist-okay usually it's not that bad,but occasionally it can come to that-so,what do I do?Sweep it all under the rug,ignore it,meet some friends and just smile and joke and laugh until it all seems to disolve.Sometimes.Or do I bravely confront it head-on and assert to myself that nothing can bring me down and that I'm a strong person.Sometimes.See,I'm not making myself out to be this huge Oprah-like figure of confidence,self-respect and teenage rebellion-I'm not the bravest person,I cower in fear towards some things other people would see normal,bla bla,it's really not about being something (ie being strong,being determined),to me it's about being myself-holding to heart my personality and choices and principles even it means taking some punches and losing some things in the way,and the characteristics you get in the process-like,you learn to become more mature and adult-are bonuses and what comes after.It's not about reaping certain benefits that supposedly make you a more desirable person for society,it's about being who you are-if you're a douche,be a douche who gives a fuck-the universe runs on anyhu,and all those suckers with too much time on their hands with days busily spent rattling on about how everyone's so bloody imperfect and how this is wrong and they shouldn't do this and that,well the world's too broad to accommodate the meaningless rantings of a tiny few,so at the end of the day what's significant and what's not,you decide for your own.

I hope that all made sense,but if not,if you think it's all a bunch of nonsensical philosophical bullshit,hey,I don't care-this ain't a debate,not an argument,but just one person relating his thoughts to another.Disagreements are bound to exist,politics are vital,my thoughts,your thoughts,his thoughts,oh man I could go on this train forever,her thoughts-your universe,your control.If things suck,that's not cos' you're doing something wrong,but cos' it's all in your mind and something needs fixing there,or not.So I try to do things my way-I want to have friends who I love and admire and whose company I personally enjoy,I want to engage in things that give me satisfaction,even if it means doing small things like spending an hour in the park just staring at children and parents pass by and look at all their happy,sad,interesting,fascinating,colourful faces-I appreciate that I can choose,rather than have to confine to this and that-and that everything that happens,or most of it anyways,are results from my own choices,bad or good,it's not about bad or good,it's just knowing I can choose what to do and just be happy my own way,in my own time,in my own body and mind.