Fuck The World

One of the first movies i direct will include a scene where an entire group of misfits shout 'fuck the world',their middle fingers symbolically gestured towards the sky-then they press a red button which leads to the entire world exploding into pieces.Oh the happiness.

Kidding.

Despite how darkly sadistic the world is getting there are still some friends i can count on who bring much needed light.I've finally lost the point of continuing to blog,but i'll continue in an attempt to divert myself from doing any constructive work.Dinner today was worth the long wait-amazing curry laksa,but what was funny how all the staff were apologizing profusely in response to my effective,quick nonverbals which said it all without having to resort to screaming f-u's,or threatening to leave.

I have no idea how podcasts work-but apparently my Itunes is genius enough to download its own podcasts and rid my Ipod of the ones i've watched,replacing them with new ones.One of the podcasts i accidentally subscribed to is Dive Film,where they show 3 minute clips of fishes,the ocean,and at times focusing on special topics such as cruelty towards dolphins in Japan,protecting whale sharks and so on.So i've made it a point to learn diving,however long and tedious it may be,before i die.I have this fascination with fishes and all kinds of aquatic creatures like the stealthy ones who move slowly then swallow their prey's boldly,or the way big and small fishes develop a simbiotic relationship where complete trust exists (i watched this one ep where this tiny lobster-looking thing fearlessly went deep inside another humungous fishes' mouth to clean it) and how everything underwater is so serene and beautiful its almost like another part of the world waiting to be discovered.

Speaking of beauty,finally got to watch 1999's American Beauty recently-the flick that won 5 Oscars inc Best Film,starring Mena Suvari,Kevin Spacey,Thora Birch etc.It captures the suburban mayhem concept so effectively,the idea that a small faraway town has deeper,more dangerous secrets to hide under the misguiding covers of its smiling occupants and picture-perfect community.The story has some really amazing characters,who,unlike most one-dimensional,predictable,heavily stereotyped characters you might find in other movies,have texture and multiple layers to their personality.One of these characters is a peculiar boy who goes around recording videos of random things-a dead dove,a plastic bag thrown around by the wind,the girl next door who at first sight seems to be nothing beautiful-he urges the girl he comes to know to 'look closer' at the world,to find real beauty-and in this act he also persuades the girl to avoid conformity,which is represented in Mena Suvari's character (who,ironically thinks her physical beauty separates her from other normal,boring people when in truth her narcissism is what ultimately makes her ordinary),a teen blowjob queen whose insecurities hide under her loathing towards everyone else.And at the end when Kevin Spacey dies,all the characters cry-everyone stops to think and regret-every ounce of misery that haunts them is removed,only to be replaced by a stabbing realization that the world's not to blame,and that the lack of beauty/meaning in their lives is really nothing but a clever illusion.

My com got invaded by a trojan and a virus over the weekend,and being the complete idiot i am in this area,its quite an accomplishment that i managed to download an anti-spy and anti-virus program to solve it.But its probably still there,hiding in some files i don't check and secretly plotting to somehow have my com suddenly explode in my face.

The Shins-New Slang
Architecture in Helsinki-Scissors Paper Rock

Your life wouldn't be as wonderful as it is without Architecture in Helsinki.Their songs are so.Don't take the pic i've posted up there too seriously,the 'fuck the world' idea can only go so far until it inspires one to take up murderous villainy or suicide bombing-my level of worldhating still remains at a safe level and is free from any form of subconcious wish to have some kind of massive genocide,and at times it even motivates me to work harder (so i can bask joyfully in the failure of those i hate)-ah,nothing beats the pleasure of seeing someone you hate so deeply fail and seek your help (shameless hypocrites!).I'm becoming more cynical and evil by the day.Must surround myself with positive people who gleam with nothing but love and compassion for the world,you know,those people who willingly give drunken beggers money,donate to reformed drug addicts and cry their hearts out after watching Hallmark movies with titles like 'The World is Wonderful' where its depicted selfish,backstabbing characters who finally 'find their inner saints' after some really big tragic event.These people are either too oblivious,ignorant and foolish to possess such an innocent view of the world-with their idea that people were born without malice and everyone's capable of loving-its that or,they have a very solid,justified understanding of the world from experience or having a kind heart that gives unconditional love and doesn't demand explanations or reciprocracy,as they exist solely to love and they hold a genuine,sincere wish to see the world be free from wars,lies and so on.Surrounding myself with the former kind,the people who are too bloody ignorant and blind to know the truth even as it bites them on the ass,would only make me even more sceptical and bitter,and wouldn't help me in my mission to lessen my hatred towards the world.

Please don't leave any comments saying how nasty i am and that i should love more,because if you do it only goes to show how really stupid and ignorant you are that you haven't read everyting i wrote properly-because somewhere in there its clearly said i don't really mean it and efforts are taken to love the world.So,take a chill pill if you need one.

Nowdays when i get down i drown myself in ice-cream,eat spoon after spoon until i feel like vomiting.Then i vomit.Then i feel a little better.This is probably unhealthy in a million different ways,but for now its my method for improving the mood,so until some other,presumable less destructive method comes along ice-cream will be my partner in crime.The bad guys being a big,bad mafia gang called sorrow.

This is spiralling out of control.Better stop here.Because the 80's seemed like such a carefree decade-

Wake me up before you go-go,
Don't leave me hanging like a yo-yo

The Walk Home

Pencils held freeze as our eyes mark the time,and people start darting towards to door,too eager to leave class that the teacher's presence has become completely unnoticed.So crowds begin to form outside the building,people chatting about the day's mediocre events as they laugh at their tiny misfortunes the day fate had handed them,i reach the front of the building and my feet momentarily refuse to move,as my eyes reluctantly survey the area and i realise noone's alone except myself,a feeling of dread and dark insecurity begins creeping in but i force myself to continue walking and instead look at the earth's floor as i miserably navigate around crowds and finally find the clear walkaway that would eventually lead me home.And i breathe in again.My pace becomes more relaxed without them breathing down my neck,their piercing glances and stunted smiles make my fingers curl in fear,and i look back towards them one last time before walking forward-noone seems to have noticed my short stuggle,and for a brief second i imagine myself a castaway,finally escaping from the world into solace and quiet.

And then you're by my side,i suddenly notice a peculiar feeling of warmth as i walk,and my eyes venture to find you next to me-your hands wrap their cold fingers around mine,you smile and wordlessly communicate so many things my concious mind could not decipher,but i felt release,comfort and they came without being asked to or fully understood.We continue walking hand in hand,a grin on your face and my thoughts simply disappear-both of us looking forward,the sweat in my hands gradually dry and my head becomes light enough for flight,for a minute i contemplate talking but decide against it as to not destroy this exciting conversation we have managed with no words at all,alas the menacing sounds of chasing cars,foreign voices and the world's chaos had reduced to a total serenity,all i hear are the sound of our footsteps while they change slightly as we walk from grass to concrete then sand.

I suddenly realise that my sense of direction had completely taken leave and i was walking towards nowhere,but this small worry quickly fades when i look to you and once again discover that reassuring smile that seems to have answered all my troubles,the way your presence had miraculously filled the bottomless void that was loneliness.A strong wind brings the grace of some fallen leaves towards us,and as they pass,scratching harmlessly against my skin i look at your face and the inner softness of your face glows slightly,the leaves blown against your face seem to have no effect as you walk on oblivious of the cold or my surprise.

I reach the door to my home and my hands feel cold,the clenched fists open to relax themselves as vains begin to travel blood to my fingers-my eyes now look bloodshot and my face pale,the weather slightly responsible but it was more of anxiety that had caused this-i enter my room and thoughtlessly caress the window panes,looking out onto the streets that have become full of metal things and strangers,i fall slowly,my head rests against the carpet and my skin becomes one with the floor,and like everything in the room i finally become motionless,empty and for a moment,lifeless.My breathing slows,without consent or hesitation my hand reaches out for an instrument of some sort and time seems to have vanished,i do not know how fast or slow things are going,and then there is blood from my hands.My entire body hurts and shrieks in absolute horror at the pain,but it doesn't move at all,as if a new strength had appeared to protect me at this crucial time.Nothing moves except the stream of blood that continues to come out onto the floor,in which it forms a luminous puddle of dark red.Inside i seem to be shivering frantically,but the matters of my own weak body does not concern or affect me-i just need your company again,so desperately that this need has taken control of all my thoughts and actions,i become trapped in a body that has finally gained suffiecient strength to act itself.The blood gushes slightly and becomes slow,a large tear falls out my left eye but there is not much compassion or regret left to give,and without warning conciousness starts slipping away and i do not resist it-my legs seem to have disappeared,the sense of being now reduced to a feeling of absolute lightness-there are no thoughts,there is no pain.And finally once again i have your hands in mine,and finally there is nothing but this.Your hands,and mine.

Relationships

I've no idea who this bitch is,but this song is the week's tune.

Anyho.

I just wrote an entire post about love and relationships,but realised that it was filled to the brim with too much romanticism and wishful thinking,so i deleted the whole thing and have now decided to start again.Before i begin,some random things from the past few days:

-Finally went to Borders to buy the final Lemony Snicket book (Book 13:The End),they have it on half-price but not for a long time so buy it soon if you feel like it

-Watched Marie-Antoinette over the weekend,if this were the work of a first time director i would say 'ok job' but,this from Sofia Coppola?Not much

-Listen to The Kooks-'naive' & 'she moves in her own way' for starters

-Watched the latest ep of Lost,which is apparently losing viewers by the millions due to its slow unravelling and progress-i'm almost getting bored of this show

-Pimples are invading my face.Two appeared yesterday and one today,been applying some weird cream hourly with hope that i don't turn into an acne king anytime soon

-Blogger's being a nasty bitch,having so many problems with it this week

Went to celebrate Schien's birthday at the nearby Dracula's,with these happy people around me it was impossible to feel a single moment of down as we laughed and laughed.Getting back to the subject matter i had intended to talk about,why do we yearn for love?Ugh.Silly rethorical question any idiot could answer with his or her personal opinion,but this time i'll put logic and sense aside,giving space for cynicism to breath its unwanted views-a million feminist butches and souless realists would scoff at the very idea of reducing life to the pursuit of finding someone to fill in 'that gap',that imaginary gap we've come to dig for ourselves with the help of Hollywood and modern perception.Love is essentially an intoxicating emotion-and i'm not sure it even exists really,perhaps its simply another human concept created in an attempt to bring meaning to our lives,defying the notion some philosophers put forward that our pointless lives are merely signified by two seemingly important events:life and death.

Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,Signifying nothing.

Because Shakespeare kicks ass.

Izzie,a character from Grey's Anatomy,loses her fiance then simply does nothing about it,her pain left to grow soons become something too difficult to control.And then she becomes numb in sorrow,expressionless almost all the time and the few words she speaks are of anger and frustration.She shuts herself from the outside world,pushing away the friends who constantly offer their help and time,and soon the walls built have become too solid to penetrate and her world is reduced to two things:regret and emptiness.What does this have to do with anything?For one,Grey's Anatomy is an amazing series that everyone should watch but more importantly,i believe we sometimes form shields and protections to try keep ourselves from harm-anger masks the hidden pain,cycnicism covers the loss of confidence,and at times these disguises that cleverly hide our true feelings become so elaborate over time that it starts to become part of one's personality and ideas.I believe God made us all loving creatures,but as some of us pass life miserably we develop a strong hatred for everything we can't seem to achieve or understand,because very few people have the courage to stand up and admit their mistakes to themselves,why try to heal the wound when you can pretend it doesn't even exist?

I'm too lazy to do a 'bridging' from paragraph two to three,that would make readers less confused perhaps,but if you look closely you'll discover some vague connection that would maybe then bring sense into this whole trashtalk session of mine.

They tried to make me go to rehab,i said no no no.

Emo

Lucky wafer.

Anyhos.

I'm suddenly wondering why i take such precious time and effort to write all the crap i write here,at the same time realising that most ranting and rambling done is more of an attempt to express the otherwise repressed thoughts and emotions into clear words-it doesn't matter to me if anyone even reads all the shit i put up here,because,as insane as it sounds,this place is a conversation between the many conflicting persona's that possess my body,a place where understanding and clarity is seeked and answers to the most random,at times,unanswerable questions are sought.

Moving on.Usually once class ends at 5.15pm i would walk fastly in hope of getting some rest before dinner,thus what would normally be a medium-paced 15 minute walk would turn into a crazy 5 minute powerwalk where my sole purpose is to get home a.s.a.p,careless if i have to jaywalk,use the vacant bicycle lanes,and give quick,soundless 'hi's' to some friends who pass by.But today,the birkenstock holding my feet was being a devil bitch,my feet felt like they were going to tear apart and bleed till they come off-so i walked at the slowest pace possible,for the first time enjoying the many magnificent sights on the way home.Nature's bright green canopies and their looming shadows that shiver ever so slightly as the light wind of early summer blows.The sight of the tall,glass-covered buildings that glint against the evening sun.An empty school football field that brings about so much unwanted nostalgia and sad memories,couple's holding hands and crossing the street both akwardly trying to match the other's pace.From the outside of a restaurant,i see an elderly woman seating at one of the tables,she stares blankly into the air and momentarily puts up her hand to reach for something i cannot see.A stylish twenty-something female frowns behind her huge sunnies,folding her hands as i approach to cross her path,a group of fratboys enjoying tall glasses of beer presumably to celebrate the long day that was.

By the time i reach the entrance to my home,the entire Regina Spektor album has finished playing and my eyes are soft and strainless,my heartbeat relaxed and slow.And suddenly the rush begins again,as hard as i try to resist-i can't block out the loud sound of passing cars and chaotic chatter around me,and slowly the tireness returns to my legs and brain-my short moment of deep relaxation confiscated by the dictating hands of a harsh reality.Then i finally reach my room,close the door as i remove the evil birkenstock's from my poor feet and lay my head on a pillow,suddenly amazed,fascinated by the beauty of a 15-minute walk,at the same time frustrated,hurt at knowing that this very beauty is merely lifeless,having no influence whatsoever on my wretched life that sadly revolves around reluctant socialising,stabbing insecurities,managing the burdens of envy and greed,and trying to find meaning from what has almost definitely resembled perfect emptiness.

OK I'M STARTING TO NOT MAKE SENSE AGAIN.Better cut all that sentimality bullshit or else i'll end up being depressed the whole night.Been eating chocolate non-stop since 8pm,but halfway through i had the brilliant idea of breaking them into smaller pieces so i don't consume as much-years on and mars bars still tastes like wild,uninhibited sex with an innocent asian slut who moans like her life depends on it.I'm kidding.The chocolate is nice.Will stop at that.Drama preparation going fairly well,got some very flattering compliments on my scriptwriting skills and Rosemary kept asking why i'm not taking an arts degree-at first i answered saying my dad wouldn't allow me to,but then she kept asking,so i gave a pretty gruelling,demonic picture of my father and his violent,physical capabilities that would be my fate to face if i didn't take commerce.Then Rosemary and i shared a brief moment of sadness,both our eyes frowning and trying to communicate the sadness that need'nt be said.But truthfully an arts degree would go against my OWN principles of rationality-art degrees don't take people far,and last month Farrago (the uni mag) tried defying this by doing a mythbuster article entitled 'Art Degrees:For You To Work Behind Macdonald Counters?' and plus all my family members are realists,none of them seem to have appreciation for the concept of dreams,ambitions and i've had enough lectures to know that my parents percieve dreams as mere diversions from reaching a true practicality that would sustain one's own survival as an adult and human.

This is coming to be an incredibly long post-and if i were to edit the pointless digressions in between it would still be considerably long,but at least my brain's moving in the process of thinking,and i get to share this crappy thoughts of mine with whoever's unlucky enough to have stumbled upon this trashbag of a blog.But i'm not finished yet-if this were sex,at this point orgasm is still a faraway fantasy for both people.

Why is it so difficult for us to open up?By us,i mean me,but 'us' sounds less miserable,gives me the illusion that the whole world suffers the same problems i do hence reducing my displeasure.Anyways,opening up,to me at least (assuming the world is full of confident,fearless people who smile brightly at the thought of forming true friendships and deeper human connections)-chatting with my wonderful friend Schien,she smartly answers my query above by saying 'its all in your head,its up to you to change your life' and yes,she does make perfect sense but when you're in a state of mind like mine (which is,as described by an adult i confide in-'i see the world through dark glasses') everything seems to be uncontrolable,as if the entire world is falling apart piece by piece and nothing seems to work anymore,and every attempt at brightening up my days or trying to attain actual happiness proves futile.

The true friends usually there to console and listen to my deepest insecurities are not here for me to lean on,and sometimes it feels so lonely and empty-trying to find new friendships that have actual meaning and depth fail miserably,and dare i say some friends i have are merely lying hypocrites who secretly wish for me to fall at my own helplessness so can go back home and laugh cruelly (Bastards,you KNOW who you are),thankfully those people are now either physically or mentally distant from me.I want to open up.I want to cry and shout to the world that i'm scared,alone and trapped.Oh fuck the concept of masculinity-crying doesn't mean i'm a pussy,it means i have a heart unlike most wired robots don'twhy the fuck i'm suddenly defending myself i don't know,maybe its a male pride thing.Again the contradictions.Anyways,from being a feel-good post about enjoying nature its become another emo post chuck-full of negativity.What i need is a temporary escape,a getaway to forget-this getaway may not be a physical adventure,it may be an event or small incident that helps me change,even if its for a short while.

For now i'll keep eating chocolate and peanut butter sandwhiches in vile hope of finding salvation in them-i'm sorry if i've spread the negativity and sadness to anyone who has read this,but its not my intention to make the world a gloomier place so forgive me for being the way i am-i hope all of you,even the ones who don't come across this,enjoy and appreciate everything you have before its take away,and hope that these dark glasses that obstruct my view will one day break and disappear into the invincible night.

Raindrops

Evangeline Lilly from the latest issue of Rolling Stone.

Week's finally come to an end,feeling a little down but i'm sure sooner or later all these repressed emotions will independantly find their way out.For now i can only count as blind aggression and uncontrolled frustration as the only medium.

Songs you might have never heard of,but worth the listen.Mm hmm.

Joanna Newsom-Sadie
Jet-Shine On
Amy Winehouse-Rehab
Camera Obscura-I don't do Crowds
Evermore-Light Surrounding You
Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars

Emo songs unhealthy for the sensitive or secretly heartbroken.

Lost In

Time to talk about LOST.Season 3 premiered in the US last week and since then there have been 2 episodes available for download,both of which i'm lucky enought to have sought.This post will contain loads of spoilers cos' as everyone knows i'm not one to contain such excitement,so to those who don't wana know what happens feel free to stroll off.

The first episode of the season started of really well-finally showing us an important detail about 'the others',that they're very established and live in homes very much similar to normal ones-they live in a secluded part of the island where they are able to 'connect with the outside world' (as showed in ep2) but more importantly,the first two episodes uncover a grave fact that i,as a keen viewer,did not suspect:that there are others beyond the others.When 'the others' find out about the boat,they react in total surprise-asking 'how did they get a boat',hinting that they've no idea about the group of people who provided the now-sailed-away Michael with the boat.And in ep2 the others are caught off-guard by Sun,who points a gun but is told that the others 'are not the enemy' by a stranger who is able to cite Sun's full name.

Both flashbacks of Jack and Sun further reveal their true identities-that Jack is manicly-obsessed with his ex-wife,and that Sun is not one to shy from lying even to the husband she faithfully devotes to.The three captives,Jack,Kate & Sawyer wake up dazed,two of them bear injection marks on their arms and Jack is approached by a woman from the company of 'others',who holds a file containing everything to know about his life-hence she is able to answer confidently when he asks if 'she (Jack's ex-wife) is happy'.On a side note,we discover how the weird animals (polar bears,dolphins with id tags) ended up on the island-Sawyer awoke to find himself in a cage previously used to 'condition' polar bears,and Jack found himself in an underwater tank that was used to keep sharks and so on.

What makes Lost most intriguing and different,are the subtle hints that very few viewers manage to notice-yet they hold such significance to unravelling the story,these secret clues and hidden references planted through each episode give answers (albiet in pieces) to the Dharma initiative,'the others' and the entire mystery of the island.As posted in the comments section here,below are some of the unconfirmed clues some US viewers spotted:

1.The Hydra-Jack woke up to a room underwater called 'The Hydra',which as repeatedly mentioned by different characters:wasn't on the Dharma map,which supposedly drew out all their stations on the island.According to Greek mythology,the Hydra was a creature whose poison blood was frequently used on arrows and it had nine heads,and everytime one was cut off,two new ones would grow.

2.Jack's dad-Following a flashback of Jack's past,he wakes up and discovers a broken speaker from which he miraculously hears his dead father saying 'let it go' (as he also mentions in the flashback when persuading Jack to let his wife go),but before we hear this there is some mumbo-jumbo said and some viewers reckon this overlooked part of speech held another clue (as how some people discovered in season 2,Walt's nonsensical gibberish were actually important warnings when reversed)

Well,now that i'm readin what i wrote i'm wondering why i ever did-but its probably the feeling after watching a fresh episode of Lost,leaving me curious and wondering.Yes people,i know its a TV show,and some realists might scoff at the very idea of being so deeply interested in what is essentially just a TV show,but hey,imagination is a powerful thing,fantasy is a beautiful thing,and shows like these are convenient distractions from our mediocre,dull everyday troubles.The third season garnered 18.8 million viewers,and thousands of websites,fansites and books have been published in an attempt to solve the Lost mystery.There's even Lostpedia,where it says season 3 will only arrive in Aus in Feb07 (wtf?!).Anyways,that's how deeply engrossed the world is in Lost,the entire concept is so intricate and organized its almost real.

As shown in the preview after ep2,Boone will return in flashback mode next week and ep3 will be available for download beginning Thursday.I wait patiently,noisily sucking the last drops of hot chocolate left in my cup,meanwhile enjoying Grey's Anatomy and Weeds.

You can find lists of the awesome songs from Grey's here,i recommend listening to Regina Spektor (the ah ah badada on the beginning of On The Radio stuck in my head) & Get Set Go.

Oh,and i suggest everyone stay away from NBC's Heroes,i watched one episode and felt like i could kill some of the characters in the series.They're all stereotyped to death (e.g:a mumbling Jap nerd,reclusive Indian math enthusiast),and say the stupidest,most pathetic little things.

Everyone in Weeds is fucking annoying,frustrating to watch and slightly retarded-the adults are high almost all the time,and the kids and teenagers are the unfunniest bunch of adolescents since The Brady Bunch.But i just love Marie-Louis Parker.

The first ep to season 3 of Grey's just finished downloading,but before i finish here's links to some pics of Yunjin Kim (Sun) & Evangeline Lilly (Kate).

Grind House

I woke up feeling tired and blurry,until i found this.

Its the newly-posted trailer to Grind House,another product from dreamteam Robert Rodriguez (Sin City) and Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction/Kill Bill)-featuring Rose McGowan,Rosario Dawson,Freddy Rodriguez (who some of you Six Feet Under fans might recognize) and a truckload of blood,sex and gore.

While waiting for that,there are some other things you might wanna check out.

-A short preview to season 4 of the OC,which stopped being watchable since season 2,but now that Mischa Barton's gone ratings could go up.

-World's tallest residential tower finally opens in Melbourne,and here's a silly guide to determining a girl's whore score and a collection of immortal horror franchises.

-Eastwood & Scorsese might battle it out again,early Oscar buzz at Yahoo.

-The new Saw 3 poster is out.

I've been watching the final episodes of Arrested Development,and why people stopped watching the once-amazing show i'm slowly beginning to understand.In one episode,5 celebrities including Zach Braff appear for short cameos and the narrator keeps repeating ''tell your friends to watch this show''.It started getting desperate and unfunny,kinda like Jim Carrey trying too hard.

Oh,and to people who leave anonymous comments.Please.Do you expect me to cry and drown in my own tears?If you're bitter and hateful,take it out on a justified cause where others actually listen to you-channel all your negative aura towards terrorists,celebrities or politicians.Sure being behind a monitor provides you with a feeling of superiority and control,but i'm sure in real life you're just weak cowards with nothing to say.Get over it.

'New York is where everyone comes to be forgiven'

A Pajiba review and an incredible trailer for John Cameron Mitchell's Shortbus,which i'm off to download.

Survivor

My laptop,after being gone for two miserable weeks,finally returned this morning,along with a note that kindly informed me the monitor,keyboard and battery had been replaced free of charge.When i first contacted DellSupport they said it would take 3 working days for them to work on it,and somehow 3 days became 5,and 5 slowly,magically morphed into 14.But it's finally back now,so i'll skip cursing Dell.That small back of cookies is by far the best cookies 2 dollars can buy you-sold at Safeway,where long queus don't exist due to the smart planning.

THANKFULLY all the vids,songs were sparred from being completely deleted,though when i first switched the laptop on the Limewire was rebelling,so i had to delete and reinstall the damn thing-so the remaining unwatched eps of Arrested Development,Weeds and Grey's Anatomy i can still enjoy.And the best bit is i don't have to download the songs i so diligently gathered throughout the year,my precious collections of Alanis Morrissette,Oasis and YeahYeahYeah songs are still there-so unless something massively depressing comes along,this good mood will last till Friday morning at least.After that i'll have to find a new source for meaningless,temporary joy.

HAS anyone been watching Survivor:Cook Island lately?I know its been ages since Americans have,as you can see all the details about the season here,beware spoilers ahead.Forget the fact that tribes were determined by race/ethnicity (White/Black/Asian/Hispanic),the fact that they share the same roots does not prevent them from playing the game like it should.That is,by using dirty techniques (e.g:backstabbing) and by putting their own interests ahead of others.The second episode is interesting enough-members of the Hispanic group decide to lose the challenge intentionally,to throw out one of their unwanted members.The Asians are a pretty tight pack and they're all intelligent,the Blacks have been pretty slow and the White's you can figure out yourself.

I'm such a racist.That's what racism does to you,it makes you a racist.
'What was done to me was monstrous'.....'And they created a monster',a line from V from Vendetta,which,if you haven't seen,must.Been downloading heaps of tunes with Limewire-everything from Tegan & Sara to Dixie Chicks to Incubus.

Tomorrow will be a fairly short day,only two classes to attend,and the weekend will arrive before i know it.A week plus left for fasting-then comes the end of college,and a new beginning i'm yet unprepared for.

Soundtrack

Hope arrived in the form of cold white metal at my doorstep.Who needs Prozac or Valium when you have Apple sending you replacement Ipods?The people at Dell promised to send my repaired latptop by tomorrow-i rushed them,saying without it my sister's wedding wouldn't have music.In emergencies only,use the excuse of having an upcoming funeral,wedding or baby shower where the item is urgently needed-i've used it a couple of times,usually the wedding,and it worked except once when the item was a broken toaster i bought from the local supermarket.

Anyways.

If you haven't listened to the songs from Sofia Coppola's Marie-Antoinette,start by looking at the list here.A collection of extraordinary classic modern rock songs,preventing the film from looking like a historical sleezefest made fancy with elaborate dresses and looming structures.You'll get what i mean once you've seen this particular trailer for the film.I simply can NOT emphasize how great this soundtrack is-its fucking amazing-maybe it won't suit your taste,maybe it will-take a listen to

Siouxsie & The Banshees-Hong Kong Garden
Gang of Four-Natural's Not In It
New Order-Ceremony

Gonna start transfering songs back to the Ipod now..

Prayer

There are times when i get so down no amount of chocolate,medicine or counselling can get me up again and the only solution is to let time heal the wound.I think about things,and people and look at my life so far and wonder if this is really it-if what i see before my eyes is really all there is to my life.Because if it is,its not enough.Some friends i have call themselves so but really are nothing but hypocrites who take me for granted.Ayesha.July.Ali.

If there is a person inside me for the world or myself to discover these three people have come closest.Or else there simply lies an empty void of nothingness.I don't even know who i am anymore.I sit down and stare at the motionless of it all,wondering random thoughts that seem to increase in number,further perplexing my already complicated life-does unconditional love exist,wait,does love exist?Why am i here-what am i doing here,am i happy,who are these people smiling around me,whose voice is it that tells me dark stories when i go to sleep?Yes,a lot of this doesn't make sense i admit,but then again my entire life,once inspected closely,slowly turns into a magnificent blur i can't seem to understand.

Why did God create me-and why have so many scars been inflicted onto me-is it wrong that i am asking such questions,should i really just accept my fate and surrender to the blindness of prayer?I'm drifting off even further as days pass,with more questions popping up constantly-leaving me dazed,confused and lost in my own inexplicable web of worrying and regret.

This doesn't make sense i know.

God if there is a way show me one my heart can follow and understand-give me a sign,an answer perhaps-help me find the truth to everything my heart seeks to understand.

I know i'm not supposed to write out prayers here,but that's how i feel right now.

Lost,just completely and utterly lost.

Trailers

-The Bond franchise,perhaps with an exception when Sean Connery took the lead,has always been sickly overrated and really just about so-called adventures,pretty-looking femme fatale's with long guns and scantily-clad sluts as Bond girls.And i consider Pierce Brosnan to be one of the WORST actors of all time-if i were to randomly watch a movie and see him on the screen before me,i'd be inclined to walk out shouting profanities.The trailer for Casino Royale looks fucking amazing-for one Daniel Craig looks the part,and Eva Green looks nothing like a dumb whore.

More notable trailers.

-300.Like Frank Miller's Sin City,we'd be too busy being mesmerized by the special effects and amazing portrayal of noir & bloodshed too even bother paying any attention to the storyline.

-A Prairie Home Companion.With Lily Tomlin,Meryl Streep,Virginia Madsen and even Lindsay Lohan in-the talent overload makes us forget its a film about country music.

-The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:The Beginning.If this is as half as good as 2003's TCM,that'd be good enough.

-Marie-Antoinette.Yes i know that by now the film has an infamous reputation for inaccurately depicting important historical events (and that it was heavily boo-ed upon screening at some prestige film festival).But,this is not supposed to be a historical film made of intricate details but as Sofia Coppola simply decribes,a story about "a young girl with no connection to reality who finds herself in the wrong place at the wrong time".Its fucking Sofia Coppola for God's sake-didn't she bring us the incredible Lost In Translation?-have some mercy people.Very few filmakers have such great ambition,she could've done another successful film full of long glances and dysfunctional characters and made heaps of money,but no,she went ahead to pursue Marie-Antoinette.And plus,it has a kick-ass soundtrack.

-Little Children.Jennifer Connelly & Kate Winslet,from the director who brought us In The Bedroom.Forbidden love never fails to move us.


And break us.

Grey Day

Had a fairly uninteresting day where the high point was watching Celebrity Survivor-pretty boring i must say,the contestants left are all full of moral bullshit about honesty and 'being true' when really what made previous seasons great were seeing how the manipulative,clever ones played their game with cunning and fearlessness.

So,boring day equals random rants.

-The first ep to season 3 of Lost premiered in the US yesterday,with little luck i'll download it in the next two days and see if its still worth watching.Despite how much i LOVED the first 2 seasons of Nip/Tuck,the first ep of season 4 proved it would be another failed season (season 3 of awful) made saucy with Christian's endless sexcapades-gosh!-they've got Rosie O' Donell as a wealthy woman who pays $400,000 to have 10 minutes in bed with him (clip here).

-EW manages a comprehensive list,'movies everyone loved but you didn't'.I agree on Notting Hill-annoying Hugh Grant mumbles 'charmingly' throughout all this movies,making them unbearable to watch.Some films i guiltlessly enjoyed while others found them horrible-the heavily criticized Catwoman (something about Sharon Stone as a villian is so appealing) and a personal comedy fave,Romy & Michele's High School Reunion (what might as well have been an autobiography film of Phoebe Buffet)

-With impressive reviews to back it up,Being Cyrus is being shown at Cinema Nova (one of the many films shown as part of The Indian FilmFest 06) and i'm definitely going to watch this one.Nice tagline.

-Other movies i feel like watching-Little Children,Running With Scissors and Sherry Baby. Any movie about dysfunctional families involving Jennifer Connoly,Evan Rachel Wood or Maggie Gylanhel can't be that bad.

-When Blink 182 disbanded,one of them went of to form a new band-Plus 44,their new single 'When Your Heart Stops Beating' leans mostly towards emo rock and isn't half rotten.

That's all for now.My recent exam marks turned out okay-not superbly terrific,but not gravely bad enough to give my parents the green light to lecture me either.Melbourne weather is becoming depressing-the cold mornings,the hot nights.People at Dell promised i would get my laptop back tomorrow-so,hooray.University applications due tomorrow.Fasting has been a smooth experience-with an exception of the recent Monday,when the full schedule made me a walking corpse noon onwards.

The weekend be my saviour.

Song Flick

Short post, i swear.

Two things.First,a song.Second,a movie.

All Saints were hot and rolling few years back in my pre-puberty years and i thought they separated a long time ago (as all pop bands eventually do) but they've returned with the most addictive track ever,'Rock Steady' which kinda has a cool modern retro feeling to it,but this song is definitely going to be stuck in my head for the next few days.



Mysterious Skin.A movie i watched a couple days back-before watching the surprisingly entertaining 'Talladega Nights' (which i won't be digressing into,hence keeping to my word).Basically,its about two boys who were sexually assaulted by their coach when they were small-both these individuals contrary to the other in almost every possible way,but eventually their sorrow brings them together-one can't remember the assault,the other can't forget.This is a beautiful film about loneliness and love,and how those two find desperate ways to co-exist in a world that demands otherwise-this film is undoubtedly flawed,at times showing us gory rape scenes for the mere shock value to it,but as a whole Mysterious Skin is one helluva emotional film that unexpectedly had me either sobbing silently or gazing with full knowledge the unspoken pain the characters wholeheartedly endure.

Quotes From.

You don't have to tell me, I was infatuated with him too once. But I know all Neil's secrets and there's shit there you don't even want to know about. Trust me. Once I'm gone, you'll be all Neil has and you have to understand one thing. Where normal people have a heart, Neil McCormick has a bottomless black hole. And if you don't watch out, you can fall in and get lost forever.

I met Wendy Peterson when I was ten. She was eleven, one grade ahead of me in school. If I wasn't queer we would have ended up having sloppy teenage sex and getting pregnant, contributing more fucked-up unwanted kids to society. But instead, she became my soulmate.

As we sat there listening to the carolers, I wanted to tell Brian that it was over now and that everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus I couldn't speak anyway. I wish there was some way to go back and undo the past. But there wasn't. There was nothing we could do. So I just stayed silent and tried to telepathically communicate how sorry I was about what happened. And I thought of all the grief and suffering and fucked up stuff in the world, and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart we could just leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically disappear.

Josep Gordon Levitt isn't that much a great actor,he has this one kind of face permanently stuck all the time-part frustration,part fear,most strained impatience.But his part in this movie,despite his stone face (like the way Zach Braff has that face in his 'life' movies), is really something to watch.

We all hide our scars.We all hide.We all wish for greater things.And in due time,all of us will find clarity from the most unexpected places,which is when we finally find the much-needed courage to bear our open wounds and let ourselves to just be.

I'll find it soon enough,i hope.